The Happy Moron

I’m trying out a little game I thought up. The game is to retell a fairy tale or children’s story while omitting one of the major characters.

This is Jack and the Beanstalk, without the beanstalk (Part 1). Part 2. Part 3.  Part 4.

Jack the Simpleton

A long time ago, there lived a youth named Jack who lived alone with his mother.

They were very poor; indeed they were the poorest in their village, for although Jack was big and strong and worked hard, he was too simple to keep his money. He would be underpaid; he would lose his wages; some trickster would beg for a loan, knowing that Jack would forget about it the next day.

The day finally came when they were entirely out of money, and Jack’s mother told him,
“Jack, we must sell the only thing we have left, our cow. Today you must take her to the market. Be sure that you get a good price for her. Come straight home, and don’t tarry with anyone on the road, or give anyone your money, for this is all we have to buy food with.”

Jack set out with the cow, and had an uneventful trip to the market. He was fortunate to find an honest butcher, who offered him a fair price for the cow. Following his mother’s instructions, he started straight back home. On his way through the woods, however, he turned a sharp corner in the path and found himself surrounded by a group of men who in loud voices bade him halt.

Jack was suprised, for it was well known that the woods were home to a great many bandits. It seemed strange to him that anyone would be in the woods by choice. He was equally surprised that they would express an interest in talking to him. No-one ever showed an interest in talking to him.

So he smiled at them and greeted them warmly.

The men were taken aback. They had expected him to run or to beg for his life… but he seemed completely unafraid.

The leader of the men looked Jack up and down and decided to have some fun with him. With an excess of courtesy, he asked Jack to give him all his money.

Jack looked down. He was embarrassed, and said that although he should like very much to lend them some money, he could not, because his mother had told him he should bring all of it straight home.

There was some sniggering and trading of glances among the men. Jack thought he heard someone at the back mention his mother.

Now I suspect things were about to go very ill for Jack, but, at that very moment, around the corner strode a merchant.

The merchant saw the men and immediately realized what was happening. In a heartbeat he drew his sword and, taking them quite by surprise, charged among them.

Jack’s new friends turned to flee, for they were cowards, and relished no part of a fight with a determined assailant. But when Jack saw this violent attacker rushing upon him and his friends, he knew instantly that they were being attacked by a bandit.

“Leave the ruffian to me!” he bellowed. Springing upon the merchant, Jack dealt him a single tremendous blow that left him senseless on the ground.

The men were impressed.

“Well!” exclaimed the leader. “What a fine fellow! As big and strong as an ox, and it seems that you’re not afraid of anything! We could certainly use someone of your mettle.”

He clapped a friendly hand on Jack’s shoulder, and continued in a kindly voice, “My friends and I guard this forest against evil men… such wicked, despicable men as you might never believe existed. They put on the clothes of proper citizens to hide their villany, but their hearts are black and corrupt. We seek them out where we can, and detain them. We strip them of all their belongings, so as to render them powerless to harm upright people.”

Jack listened, fascinated. It seemed to him that there could be no greater purpose or brotherhood that what was held in this small band. He was drawn by the leader’s kind and generous words.

“If you would consent to join us, I’m sure we could find a place in our band for someone of your strength and courage.”

That was how Jack became a bandit.